The Only Way to Breathe
by forsakenphoenix1
Summary: Twelve years of separation is hard. Especially when all they want right now is to kiss each other, even if it's not perfect, because they're so desperate for that touch. Because they remember that kissing one another is the only way to breathe.


**Title:** The Only Way to Breathe  
**Summary:** Twelve years of separation is hard. Especially when all they want right now is to kiss each other, even if it's not perfect, because their so desperate for that touch. Because they remember that kissing one another is the only way to breathe.  
**Genre:** Angst/Romance  
**Ships:** RL/SB  
**Warnings:** slash (same sex pairings), _reference_ to scenes of a sexual nature.  
**Comments:** I can't figure out how to do the spacing. So I apologize. I wanted more space between paragraphs so you could tell when I was jumping from past to present, etc. Oh well. I hope you can read it and understand.  
  
_Oh god, it's so cold._ His teeth chatter almost constantly. It's dark and musty. It feels like death and smells like sadness. There's nothing here but tears of misery and cries of anguish.

He dreams of death and lies of love. Through the walls, the gulls cry out a mournful tune, looking endlessly for their forgotten mate. Sirius cries out in his sleep for his lover. The gulls' song reminds him of sex on the beach and waking up in _his_ arms, feeling _his _breath on the back of his neck. He fights off thoughts of _Remus_ inside another, touching another with soft caresses and loving eyes.

"I am always yours," murmurs Sirius, "and no other."

He sleeps with a death warrant and a longing for love. He's haunted by memories he's tried to forget. But he can't forget when his lover's eyes search him in his sleep; always questioning his motives.

"Why did you do it Sirius? Am I just a toy you can use and then, when the fun is done, you toss me away?"

"No, no, Remus. You are _not_ the tin soldier of play-fame to be knocked down when the fun is simply over..."

Sirius would sooner decorate Remus with silver and gold and keep him in a crystal cabinet to gaze upon in awe while the sky paints his dreams all over itself.

But he can't forget the feeling of terrible heartbreak that night. _Oh god, why was I so stupid?_ Using Remus, hurting Remus just to get back at Snape…

Sirius, even still, feels irresponsible and irrational. He didn't even _think_ about Remus or how Remus would feel. Why didn't he think at all? This was _Remus_! Kind, studious, friendly Remus and Sirius made him feel like the monster he turned into once a month. What kind of friend did that? What kind of _lover_ did that?

Sirius had thought that his world might end because Remus refused to speak to him for weeks. Every night, he had been met with the cold silence in the sixth year boys' dormitory because even James and Peter sided with Remus. Remus could have _killed_ Snape and it was just because Sirius had wanted revenge. But Remus eventually forgave Sirius because he would forgive Sirius for anything.

The towering stone walls and the cells of empty souls tears Sirius apart. The prisoners cry and writhe in distress and Sirius is reminded of Remus when he cried out his name in a fit of passion and when he writhed beneath Sirius…and Sirius cries out now because he misses the feel of Remus beneath his skin, the taste of Remus in his mouth…and he just misses Remus because he's Remus and what isn't there to miss? 

Sirius mutters Remus' name in his sleep for the next twelve years and dreams of days when things were better and all he had to have was Remus to make him happy.

But it's hard to stay happy or to even conceive a happy thought in such a place. There's nothing for him to do but cry and try to cling to some memory that does not leave him so cold, so empty. Azkaban is cruel. The prisoners whine and cry and cringe in its heartless grasps, alone, so alone.

"Because you left _me _alone, you will _always_ be alone, Sirius," Remus taunts him in his dreams.

Alone and half-dead because he can't seem to breathe in Azkaban; the air is nothing like the sweet recess of Remus' mouth when he remembers that kissing Remus is better than breathing.

He's too old and too weary to think of puppy love, because that's all it ever was, but he does anyway. And it takes all that he has to keep the Dementors away from his precious memories of Remus. They are all that he has to keep him sane, to keep him living in a place full of death.

He grows thin and haggard. His once youthful eyes, full of spirit and life, show nothing but despair and emptiness. But maybe, maybe there is a spark waiting to be lit and maybe, maybe it wasn't just puppy love but something real, something more.

He wishes he could see Remus now. But he can't think straight; his thoughts get so muddled. Azkaban is not silent enough to concentrate on certain memories. But if he strains real hard to remember; he can picture sweat slick bodies moving in one constant motion. He remembers Remus' voice and his tongue (oh god, where did he learn to do _that_?) and feeling as though he was slipping over the edge. He loves that feeling almost as much as he loves Remus.

But the voice in his head reminds him that he's locked in Azkaban, thousands of miles away from Remus, with only his darkest secrets to keep him company.

He glances at the Daily Prophet spread out across the floor of his cell; its edges are folded and the print is fading from continual reading. The crossword is separated from the rest of the paper because he misses doing it but he can't seem to finish it.

Thirteen more days, he says, and he waits because now, the darkness he has lived in doesn't seem so suffocating anymore. Ten more days, and he doesn't think so much of Remus, but of Peter. Seeing Peter (how many times had he seen him turn into his Animagus before?) reminded him of his first week at Azkaban; questioning Peter's motives, but still wondering what _he_ did wrong. But in the end, he realizes that although he's innocent of the crime he was charged with—there's another crime that he _knows_ he's guilty of: James and Lily's death. He wonders if Remus will forgive him like he's forgiven him so many times before.

Three more days and he's becoming anxious. The cries of the gulls are calling louder and images of the old Marauders' days haunt his mind so that whenever he falls asleep, it's all he'll dream of. He remembers all their pranks, James' smile, and Lily's gorgeous eyes. He remembers Peter's lack of self-confidence and need to cling to those greater than him; was that why Voldemort's powers seemed so appealing? But what he remembers most is Remus and especially Remus' distinct smell; ink and chocolate. He also recalls the scent of sex and cigarettes and wonders if that's the smell Remus will remember him by. One more day and suddenly a new hope arises in him. He can taste Remus on his tongue and can feel him beneath his fingernails but he cannot see him.

Sirius does not know what Remus looks like. He does not know that Remus has grown just as old as he feels, and looks much older than his 33 years. He does not know that with twelve years of time to contemplate and think, Remus' hair is flecked with grey and his eyes no longer laugh like they used to. Twelve years of loneliness has beaten Remus down to the point of almost giving up. He has never felt the warmth of another man since Sirius. He does not think he could stand it because every time he's touched another man, they've sent cold chills to his heart. Sirius' touch was like fire to his skin. He misses that touch.

Remus knows that the man in front of him is Sirius but he does not look like Sirius. Sirius does not think Remus looks the same either. But they both remember that they're standing in the very place they shared their first kiss and the very place that almost tore their friendship apart. And they both want to touch each other because it's the right thing to do and the only thing they remember how to do. But they can't because Harry's here, and Ron, and Hermione, and none of them can know about the love Remus and Sirius share for one another. Not yet anyway.

But twelve years of separation is hard. Especially when all they want right now is to kiss each other, even if it's not perfect, because their so desperate for that touch. Because they remember that kissing one another is the only way to breathe._  
_


End file.
